http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-08-16T00:34:58-04:00 2 daily http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/798916222.html <p> <p> I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it, or perhaps what to make of myself. This looks like the place. Here you go Craigslisters, I present my arguments, in bullet form, why Spongebob Square pants is the perfect girl. <p> <p> 1. He’s low maintenance. No matter what happens to him, he never needs validation from anyone, for anything. He never asks Patrick to tell him who he is, never uses his friction with Squidward to bolster his own ego. All his energy is focused outward, albeit usually with mixed (and hilarious) results. He never complains about those results either, just trudges ahead with blind, infectious optimism. <p> <p> 2. He’s a good cook. In fact, he makes unquestionably the best burger in Bikini Bottom. People come from everywhere to the Crab Shack for one of his Crabby Patties. How rare is a girl who can cook, and enjoys it? <p> <p> 3. He lives in a pineapple. Imagine having crazy sex in a giant pineapple. All that gooey, sweet, sugary awesomeness providing both full body lubrication and a certain fun kinkiness. Sex inside almost anything else wouldn’t be anywhere as much fun. An orange would sting. A tomato would stain. While we’re on the subject, do you want variety in your lovin? He’s got HUNDREDS of holes, and he’s not shy about himself or hung up in any way. He also plays dress up. Weekly. And usually twice on Saturday mornings. <p> <p> 4. He’s comfortable with his job. Mr. Crab pays him shit and he cares, never bitches. Never comes home and says to his pet snail “if that dude Squidward don’t get off my ass, I’m gonna kill him!” The pineapple is a harmonious place because Spongebob checks that shit at the door. <p> <p> 5. He manages his emotions. We’ve all seen Spongebob flip out. We’ve all seen chicks flip out. The difference is that Spongebob Squarepants STAYS FOCUSED. He may explode. His eyes may shrivel up like raisins. He might pull off his own legs and arms and beat himself with them in total panic and frustration. He never loses sight of what he’s flipping out ABOUT, though. Every girl I’ve ever met starts out being mad about the dish I just broke, or the amount of beer I may have drunk at her family reunion (we all need help through the hard times, my Lord, my Lord) but 15 minutes later it’s why haven’t we bought a house yet, why aren’t I home more, why aren’t I home less, why aren’t I more communicative, and what about those boobs I was staring at back in May of 2002. Do ya feel me, boys? <p> <p> 6. He’s devoted. Patrick is an idiot, but he finds a way to relate and have fun. Mr. Crabs is a jerk, but he gets past it and has a healthy work ethic. He’s maintained a healthy platonic relationship with a displaced female squirrel. Even Squidward, despite all his efforts to the contrary, has a neighbor he can count on any time day or night. (Aside: Squidward is a douche bag for not recognizing this) <p> <p> 7. He knows how to have a good time. Boy does he ever. He likes eating contests, farts, TV, singing, hiking, playing with his body, sports (did you see the snail race? better than Hoosiers), and just generally acting stupid and laughing about it. I’m telling you, he’s got to be totally awesome to hang out with. <p> <p> 8. He’s comfortable with his body. So he’s not the ideal shape. He’s a square. But he never complains. You’ll never hear the phrase “height-weight proportional” uttered from those yellow lips (anyway his height-weight proportion is geometrically perfect, a fact which I am sure can be proven mathematically). He don’t give a shit. He just buys the right clothes (square) and looks great and that’s the end of it. No endless questioning about why the universe shaped him the way he is. No internal battles. Just a simple square man with a healthy simple outlook. <p> <p> 9. He’s a virgin (I’d bet). You say experience means everything? I say bullshit. Comfort and communication trump experience every time. Working at your sex life is only possible in a situation dominated by these two traits and amplified by a sense of adventure. Spongebob has always demonstrated these characteristics. Now, what do you want? A willing accomplice or the trick somebody else taught? <p> <p> 10. He doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. Actually, I do enjoy the occasional cocktail or cigarette, and as you may have guessed, I have been known to puff it down a little and watch shows like, say, Spongebob Squarepants (WTF, what did you do this morning that was so important, Mr. Smartypants?), but the thing about our man Bob is that theses things don’t rule his life, and couldn’t you just imagine that first date at a bar? Somehow the idea of kicking two shots of Makers Mark back with Spongebob Squarepants is totally mesmerizing. You think he’d sit there and bitch about his exes? No way. He’s much more a load up the jukebox and kick up his heels on the bar kind of guy. He’ll take his lumps for it (case in point, the Motorhead bar in the movie, where the fascist biker dudes kick his ass but he comes out grinning) but I bet the night would be hilarious. Imagine him pulling in a big drag and blowing it out all his orifices. Imagine him talking to that drunken barfly you always see and making that old bitch laugh. You’d get to do all this shit with him for the first time. <p> <p> 11. He demonstrates good parenting skills. Did you see the episode where Spongebob and Patrick find a lost baby scallop and decide to raise it as their own? No?!? Well, allow me to elucidate. Patrick takes on the male role and he sucks at it. He sneaks off all day and night to watch TV at home while Spongebob, as the mother figure (complete with apron and heels), holds the family together. He does all the cooking, cleaning and baby-raising, all the while carrying an admittedly strained smile on his face. Not to say I’m looking for a wife to do it all and let me watch TV (um, hmm), it’s just that he demonstrates such strength and good humor. The episode ends with a happy, well-adjusted scallop flying off (?) into the sea-sky and a presumably happy well-adjusted scallop life. It’s not that Spongebob might make a good mom. Spongebob is a good mom. <p> <p> <p> I’m sure you all are going to think I am a pedophile (why? Because I happen to be a little bit in love with a 6 year old boy cartoon character?) I’m sure you’ll all write me and tell me what a misogynistic jerk I am (just substitute the words “girl” for “boy” and “boy” for “girl” throughout and I’m sure my argument applies cross-genderally. There. Feel better, huge bull dykes with nothing better to do?) I’m sure I’ve sabotaged my e-mail account, but I wanted to do it. I’m in love, and people in love do and say stupid shit. </p> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Bikini Bottom <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-16T00:34:58-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/798916222.html Why Spongebob Squarepants is the perfect girl for me. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/794605266.html Laura. You were hot. I was not. You let me fuck you because I was funny. Thank you. <br> <br> Kim. We smoked a lot of weed and drank all the time. I don't remember much. <br> <br> Sarah. You were hot. But a total bitch. I could have done better. You treated me like shit. I put up with it because you had a great vagina. Beautiful. <br> <br> Another Kim. You thought you were smart. You weren't. I was bored. <br> <br> Charlee. I liked your name and the way it was spelled. <br> <br> Rachel. You were really sweet and nice. Stop emailing me. It's been fifteen years. It's creeping me out and pissing off my wife. Fucking classmates.com. <br> <br> Megan. I wanted you since highschool. I was kinda dissapointed when it happened. <br> <br> Jennifer. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell were you thinking? You smelled kinda funny too. Your dad was a dick. <br> <br> Jill. You had HUGE nipples. Couldn't feel a thing though. Shame all that nippleage going to waste. <br> <br> Michelle. You were a drug addict. You have to be pretty fucked up for me of all people to say that. <br> <br> Another Megan. I lost your number. <br> <br> Laura. I did it for the novelty of going out with a girl that I went out with ten years before. You were still hot. I got kinda hot. We were better matched. Thanks again. Sorry I dumped you. You were a shitty tipper. I had no choice. Some handsome and cool shitty tipping guy probably grabbed you. Or some funny wanker. <br> <br> Another another Megan. I've dated a lot of Megans. This one was no prize. <br> <br> Debby. You were really smart except you had no self esteem. Be careful or some asshole is going to own you and that would be sad. You're smart and pretty and have great tits. Smaller tits can be awesome too. <br> <br> Sophia. Liked your name. Liked that you worked out a lot. You seemed nice but you fucked up my credit. User. <br> <br> Andrea. You had that adorable petit look that I can only call the "Penelope Cruz" look. Too bad you didn't have her personality. <br> <br> Emily. NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOUR FAMILY IS RICH. You'd be okay if you were not preoccupied with wealth you did not personally aquire. <br> <br> Dr. Sanderson. You worked to much. You were kinda cold. I thought you were cool though but you are so career motivated you probably did not give a shit about anything else. I got drunk once and thought about asking you to marry me though. I still wonder if you would have. <br> <br> Elizabeth. You are my wife. My wife is perfect. My life is perfect. <br> <br> Violet. You are my daughter. When I looked in on you tonight I had that rush of feeling so strong that a shiver went through my whole body and I had to move my hands really quickly to dissipate it's physical effect. Before I met you I was a "kids are no big deal, everyone's got kids and they're not that fucking special" kinda guy. You fucking ruined me. I'm gay for kids now. I love you so much baby. <br> <br> My unborn 6 month old fetal daughter. If you come out retarded or ugly as shit I'll still love and protect you. <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Gaults Gulch <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-13T06:40:50-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/794605266.html My women text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/786985559.html YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? <br> YOU HAS A FLAVUR? <br> YOU HAS BUKKIT? <br> If so, you may be the right fit for this Columbus Web Design Startup! We are a small company looking for a Senior LOLCode Developer, preferably with at least 3 months experience developing LOLapps. Please send a resume, along with links to any web-based LOLapps you have developed. <br> <br> KTHXBYE <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Columbus, OH <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: Equity in our company </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-07T13:15:05-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/col/786985559.html Lolcode Developer: YOU CAN HAS CHEEZEBURGER? text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html 20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme. <br> <br> Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc). <br> <br> Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants: <br> <br> -interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar) <br> -unwavering loyalty <br> -being a corruptible government official <br> -ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety) <br> -grudge against any well-known vigilante <br> -flexible moral code <br> <br> Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome. <br> <br> Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV. <br> <br> Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career! <br> <br> - Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi <br><br><ul> <li> Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion <li> Compensation: £20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-05T14:34:47+01:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html HENCHMEN NEEDED text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html ok. so i don't know really how to go about this. <br> <br> basically, i was your one night stand last night and need my most important idem of clothing back--> my bra. <br> <br> so yes, i was totally fine with the fact that when i left this morning we didn't exchange phone numbers (or names...); no big deal. but once i got home and sobered up, i realized, that we maybe should have because i left my bra at your house. <br> <br> first off, i want to get something clear. this is no victoria secret-esq type bra. this is an imported good were talking about. princess tam tam-french lingerie. <br> <br> ok. specifics about you. (what i remember.) they are not going to be too specific because my friends are on this all the time and think i took a cab home last night. <br> <br> you are: <br> 1) outrageously tall and good looking. <br> 2) a commercial real estate broker from the san jose, but lives in the financial district in the city with an asian friend whom i believe, was celebrating his birthday. <br> 3) going to slide saturday night. <br> 4) really into golf, in fact went friday. <br> 5) a fan of red gumm y bears. <br> <br> i am: <br> 1) someone who obviously loves her underwear. <br> 2) obsessed with french everything. <br> 3) not really into children. something we have in common. <br> 4) occasionally from time to time caught wearing my clothes inside out. <br> 5) "anna"- (my name.) <br> <br> <br> so, where to go from here. basically, i'm willing to do whatever it takes. i can come pick it up, you can mail it to me, i can just have you leave it outside your building at a certain agreed upon time. what ever. <br> <br> i hope to god you don't feel weird about this, because i don't. i obviously didn't leave it there on purpose. like i said, i'm not looking for you to take me out or call me. for god's sake, i'm resorting to craigslist for a grey bra. it's just a super cute one and i want it back. plus, it doesn't seem like you'll use it. you just didn't come off as that type. <br> <br> please people. if this is you, or sounds like someone you know who fits this "john doe" profile, please contact me. <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-02T11:10:28-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/776572833.html Tired of not getting any respect when merging into traffic with your prius?<p>THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT<p> Your Yuppie friends will love it because its an Audi Station Wagon, your Red Neck Cousins will love it because its boss as boss can be.<p> No one will ever make fun of you for driving this car. <p> its has under 175K miles WOW! <p> Tired of getting 12mpg in your 4x4 truck? but too hard on vehicles to buy a new car? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I've taken all the stress of owning something nice out of the equation - run your car into anything you like and get 28MPG WHILE YOU DO IT> <p> can you imagine the LOOK ON YOUR BOSS'S FACE when you park this thing next to his new BMW in the company lot? <p> Can you Imagine picking up dates in this thing?! (her mom will flip her shite) get that bad boy draw without the criminal record, BUY MY CAR! <p> You may think this is too good to be true, but its not - Call me - Come see the car. I LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES (I even live in cincinnati) you can come shake my hand if you want to. <p> "but how are you selling your audi at the low low price of $1300?!" <p> Thats a good question . . . you see, you can get this car without wheels, front bumper, roof rack, or speakers for $1300! <p> THIS CAR IS GREAT FOR PARADES <p> <b>BUT YOU CAN EVEN BUY THE WHOLE CAR!</b> for <b>$2500</b>obo <p> Thats right - you can buy THIS CAR <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1184.jpg"> for only <b>$2500</b> as its sits in that picture (taken like 4 min ago) <p> Its so boss that the HD F350 behind is is <b>TOO SCARED</b> to park any closer. <p> This car runs like a dream, has all the regular maintenance done on time and handles like nothing you will ever experience. Want that german driving feel without paying tens of thousands of dollars? BUY THIS CAR!* <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1136.jpg"> <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1137.jpg"> <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1132.jpg"> <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1139.jpg"> <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1140.jpg"> <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1141.jpg"> <p> <img src="http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/lewisbp/My%20Car%20Stuff/DSCF1133.jpg"> <p> CAR AS ITS SHOWN IN THE PICTURES (I'll even leave the half used stick of old spice classic and the death metal tapes in the glove box) <b>$2500</b> <p> Car Sans Rack <b>$2150</b><br> Car Sans Front Bumper <b>$2350</b><br> Car Sans Stereo Add ons <b>$2300</b><br> Car Sans Wheels <b>$2000</b><br> Car Sans Wheels, Rack, Front Bumper, and Stereo Ad ons <b> $1300!!! </b><p> Come drive it. You put $5 in the tank and I'll let you test drive it. <p> You crash it you buy it. <p> Shoot me an email or call me (srs) 334.707.0722 no calls after ten PM or before ten AM<br>-Ben *no check engine lights were harmed in the making of this ad. likewise no check engine light is currently on in the aforementioned vehicle. audi/vw north america does not condone driving your car like a sissy and likewise is happy to see their cars put to heavy use...even though they do not condone or support any of the above message. many audi's and vw's were however harmed in the making of the "curshmobile" and rightly so. in closing this fantastic vehicle has been from coast to coast rocking the most and deserves a good home. <br><br><ul> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Clifton (cincinnati) <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-30T17:51:00-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cin/776572833.html FS/FT 2001 A4 Avant 1.8Turbo 5 speed Quattro-Boss Machine-mad pics yo text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/774488152.html Hi! I'm a level 44 female blood elf (will be 50 this weekend) seeking my true love. Long dark red hair, sexy red lips, and I can bust a move like you've never seen. Must be from Duskwood server, where I am. Specifically looking for a male blood elf or undead to rock my world (of warcraft). Bonus points if you're a 70 and have any of your epics above teir 4. No trolls!!! Send me an email with your name and we can go on a date. There is a cute little spot in the Barrens I would love to bring a date. Maybe set up a fire and drink some volatile rum? See where things go from there. See you soon! <br><br> <img src="774488152.1.jpg"> <img src="774488152.2.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Azeroth <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T08:22:33-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/774488152.html Hot girl for hot guy! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top <br> you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face. <br> <br> You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know - I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean. <br> <br> You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily - it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind. <br> <br> It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you asshole! Run home!" and you did that, too! <br> <br> Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic. <br> <br> To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling - thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially - Chris, was it? - who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much. <br> <br> My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom. <br> <br> But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE. <br> <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Mt. Pleasant <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T00:04:51-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/774158390.html to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/772752501.html I want a vespa, I hate my wifes parrot. I will give two cages two perches, year supply of food. <br><br> Yellow headed Amazon Parrot, Female, Talks, Mostly just yells my name (mimics my wife). <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Huntington Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-28T00:03:22-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/772752501.html Trade your vespa for my loud parrot text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Bike for sale <br> <br> <br> What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". <br> <br> <br> <br> The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way. <br> <br> <br> <br> The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. <br> <br> <br> <br> The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything. <br> <br> <br> <br> I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: <br> <br> <br> Gear 1 - Sissy Gear <br> Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear <br> Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear <br> Gear 4 - Boy Gear <br> Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear <br> Gear 6 - Manly Gear <br> Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear <br> <br> I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. <br> <br> <br> Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four". <br> <br> <br> Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-22T10:18:55-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Manly Bike for Sale text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/764637155.html So, you finally realized that kayaks are work. You would much rather replace all that sweaty paddling with a cool, shady nap under a wide-brim hat dreaming of nachos. <br> <br> You think about all the space in your garage that kayak's taking up and just start to count how many jars of salsa you could fit on that shelf. <br> <br> You remember last Cinco de Mayo when you showed up to the big party sans sombrero. Someone threw a bell pepper at your head. <br> <br> Don't you think it's about time you traded in that kayak for a nice comfortable sombrero? <br> <br> Okay. How about I also throw in a pinata with 300 dollars worth of loose change? <br> <br> Think about it...If you no longer need that 10-12 foot sit on top kayak, I have a sombrero that----and I'm not even lying-----would look stunning on you. <br> <br> You think you look good in that poncho of yours, you just wait until the ladies get a load of you in that sombrero. Meow, indeed. <br> <br> Call [DELETED] to talk details about what's been missing in your life (my sombrero). <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-21T22:21:45-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/764637155.html I will trade my sombrero for your kayak. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/763203032.html 27ft winnebago with Legand cat 24ft fishing boat, will not seperate, motor home need some brake work and little body work. boat stored partially inside. <br><br> <img src="763203032.1.jpg"> <img src="763203032.2.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: southern Iowa <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T23:05:15-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/763203032.html Winnebago/Legand Cat Pro fishing boat will not seperate text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/763102764.html <b>Instructions: Please answer the questions below as directed in each section. You will be marked for grammar, spelling, cleverness, creativity and boob-size. Please keep in mind that while this is not an application for a job, your performance on this test will be a reflection of your ability to achieve certain positions once out in the real world. When the clock strikes the hour, you may begin. You have sixty minutes to complete the test. </b> <br> <br> <h3>Section One: Multiple Choice (Answer All, 5 points)</h3> <br> When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it. <br> <br> <b>Q1. Six months into our relationship, I go away to a tropical location with my family for a week over Christmas. This vacation was planned as a family event two years prior to meeting you. This is:</b> <br> a) A great opportunity to get some things done without me around. <br> b) A great opportunity to attempt to sleep with my college roommate and/or my boss. <br> c) A sign that you are probably just a casual thing that I could toss aside at any given moment despite the fact I bought you probably the most thoughtful gift you've ever received and written you a letter for every day that I'll be gone, inciting you to 'Go on the Defensive.' <br> d) Occasion to have a sexy dinner at home the night before I leave, and a mini 'welcome home' party when I get back that’s guest list is just you, me, a bottle of wine and a pack of condoms. <br> <br> <b>Q2. We've talked every night for eight days (not including the dinner/opera show I took you to on Saturday night that was followed by possibly your worst performance in bed ever, or the Monday night that I came over and we spent the evening making Rachel Ray recipes and watching Heroes followed by the best oral sex I've ever given you), with conversation time averaging about an hour per night. On a Thursday night, when on a deadline, I express a need to get off the phone so I can finish some work and go to bed at a reasonable hour. You:</b> <br> a) Express your feelings of devotion in three words or less, then and quickly say goodbye after confirming plans for tomorrow night are still on. <br> b) Say goodbye, but then immediately begin talking about something that we hadn't discussed as thoroughly as is scientifically, legally or religiously possible two nights prior. <br> c) Take that as a sign that I'm abandoning you, and begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry. <br> d) Say goodbye, but manage to do it with such menace and venom that I stay on the phone for another three silence filled hours, broken only by fits of gentle weeping and suicide threats. <br> <br> <b>Q3. I'm throwing change at your cleavage, which is readily on display in that loose fitting tank top you wear around my place on Sundays after brunch. Do you:</b> <br> a) Wing the largest of the coins at my head, with an evil glare and then refuse to speak to me for the rest of the day. <br> b) Encourage my behavior, and allow me to purchase Afternoon Delights from you at discount prices. <br> c) Cry. <br> d) Cry and pick a fight with me, taking my actions as a total lack of respect for you and then begin to point out that because of it I have commitment issues, that you're clearly not my priority, and then cry some more. <br> <br> <br> <b>Q4. We're having a fight. You:</b> <br> a) Throw me out of your apartment, then thirty minutes later send 17 texts and attempt to call 13 times in the space of six minutes. <br> b) Give me space when the discussion gets too heated for rational thought, and redress your complaints in a calm manner when we've both had a chance to cool down. <br> c) Flip me the bird. <br> d) Wail on my junk. <br> e) both c and d <br> f) realize that the fight is about nothing, and begin creating fictional problems and make wild accusations about my obsession with material goods and having a wandering eye. <br> g) f, then d, then c. <br> <br> <b>Q5. I play [video games OR tabletop gaming OR fantasy football]. You:</b> <br> a) Want to join in, because it looks like hella fun. <br> b) Leave me to it, in the hopes that I'll leave you a few things to participate in on your own. <br> c) Attempt to get me to quit, and use tactics like nagging, vandalism and emotional sabotage as an effective campaign against what you call my 'nerdy addiction.' <br> d) c, but also include deriding me to your friends. <br> <br> <h3>Section Two: True or False (Answer All, 10 points)</h3> <br> When submitting answers via email, please copy and paste the question and then your answer selection beside it. <br> <br> Q1. Rationale and Reason are the same thing. <br> <br> Q2. A cheerleader AND/OR schoolgirl outfit is a wardrobe must. <br> <br> Q3. Talking in your 'cute voice' just before you put my balls in my mouth is sexy. <br> <br> Q4. Learning body language and communication cues is important. <br> <br> Q5. 'Anchorman' and 'Superbad' are hilarious movies. <br> <br> Q6. "But it's cute when I do it" should be a legally viable defense. <br> <br> Q7. Chest hair is gross. <br> <br> Q8. Bono is probably the most important political figure of our generation. <br> <br> Q9. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and should be had frequently, often, whenever possible - within moderation, of course. <br> <br> Q10. A relationship is metaphorically a two way street. So is your butt. <br> <br> <h3>Section Three: Short Essay. (Answer ONE, 5 points)</h3> <br> Please select one of the following questions and answer it as fully as time will allow. Please try and be as descriptive as possible, and where applicable, come up with at least TWO convincing arguments to support your case. Arguments must be backed up with cited evidence, not anecdotal perspective. <br> <br> <br> Q1. If I was a crime-fighting vigilante by night, what efforts would you make to support my cause about the rising threat of evil in this city? <br> <br> Q2. Please come up with a convincing game-plan for having me come shopping with you, keeping in mind my retail oriented attention span is about twelve minutes, and I am prone to wandering after flashing lights and shiny things. <br> <br> Q3. Please argue why you are (do) or are not (do not): 'Down to Earth', 'Have a sense of humor' and 'Laid back'. Bonus if you can include evidence to confirm that you truly do avoid 'head games.' <br> <br> Please submit answers via the email link provided. Please also keep a copy of this test and your answers to submit to future suitors for reference. Remember to ensure your name, number and bra size are clearly written at the top of your paper, and don't forget to attach a photo (3/4 length or full). <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Uptown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T22:16:12-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/763102764.html *** Girlfriend Potential Test *** text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/762808006.html I have a great dog. He's a little on the fat side, but he's really active. He's great with kids, unless they try to pull his nubby tail. He's really friendly to people who have food. He loves to have his teeth brushed, but is resistant to having his feet touched. He can smell a little doggy, and the tooth brushing does not appear to improve his breath, but I've smelled worse. When I read some of the things on this board, I wonder about other dogs out there and how they fare in the world. I'd just like to say the following: <br> <br> * I recently moved. I found an apartment that was in a great neighborhood in a building with other dogs and dog friendly folks.....this was because did a little work and looked for a place that was right for me and the dog, and stumbled over this fantastic place where I now live. <br> <br> * I recently got a new job that requires that I spend more time at work. I was worried that this would negatively affect my little pup, so I make an effort to get up earlier so that we can go for a good walk before I leave, and I arranged for someone to spend time with the little guy for a while during the day while I'm at work. My career chugs along and my little guy is still happy. <br> <br> * I live in a tiny, tiny apartment, but this does not negatively affect the dog in any way. Granted, he is a little guy, but the fact is that between walks before and after work, and extended play time outdoors in the evening, the size of the apartment doesn't hurt my pup's quality of life (or mine, for that matter). He has never chewed up anything I own, broken anything in the house, or done any damage to any structure that I have lived in. He does bark a bit when people walk by my kitchen window, but mostly that's because he's crazy. Or maybe because he thinks that everyone loves him and maybe that person wants to come in and pet him or give him a treat. I don't speak any dog, so I can't ask him. <br> <br> * I don't have a high paying job (or career, for that matter), so I don't have a lot of disposable cash, but I do have money saved in case the dog has a minor medical emergency, and the information for Care Credit in case he has a major medical emergency. <br> <br> * Admittedly, I don't have any kids (I am both unpleasant and squishy, which makes finding a baby daddy trialsome), but I distinctly remember having pets when I was a kid, and I have six brothers and sisters that my mom had to watch over. She seemed to do OK with seven kids and a dog, and while I find her an extraordinary human being, I don't think that she has any kind of pet-care superpowers. <br> <br> My dog makes me laugh and he cuddles up against me and he provides me with an opening to meet some very nice (and some very interesting) people when we're out walking and he hides under the blankets when it thunders and lets me feel like I'm soothing him and he brings me toys to play with when he gets bored and he rolls over in the grass and reminds me how much fun it is to be alive. He gives me all of this and more, and all I do is walk him, feed him, and play with him. <br> <br> I hope that all the people who post their dogs for adoption on this list have done every possible thing that they can do in order to keep it before they give up on themselves. I just want to say to all of you who think that it's too hard to take care of you pet: YOU CAN DO IT! Your pet believes in you, and I believe in you, too! <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Joysville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T17:35:25-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/762808006.html About a dog text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/762644631.html Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? This door could be the first step in making your dreams come true. <br> <br> Imagine walking through this 28 3/4" x 78" door as you begin your new life, as the person you've always wanted to be... happier, funnier, handsomer, richer, and with firmer buns. It could be yours, right now. Give yourself that extra edge! Come pick up your door to the future today! <br><br><ul> <li> Location: North pdx <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T12:17:27-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/762644631.html DOOR TO THE FUTURE text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html We are a quantitative hedge fund with offices in Palo Alto and on the East coast. <br> <br> We're looking for first-rank software developers to join our Palo Alto team. <br> <br> Candidates should have a PhD, Masters degree, or undergraduate degree in Computer Science, Mathematics, or a related field. The successful applicant will have experience in object-oriented programming, agile software development, and algorithm design and implementation. Knowledge of Java, financial mathematics, Unix-based systems, MATLAB, and relational database systems is a plus. <br> <br> This position offers a competitive base salary and bonus program. <br> <br> For immediate consideration please do the following: <br> <br> 1) Prepare a cover letter. <br> 2) Flip a coin 50 times. Record the results on your resume as a sequence of heads (H) or tails (T) symbols. <br> 3) Email your cover letter and resume to us. <br><br><ul> <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T22:05:02-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/759387513.html I keep passing you on the way to the fridge. I'm sure you've noticed me - I think you're looking at me out the corner of your eye when I get in and out of the bed we share. I waved at you several times over the weekend as we were sitting down to meals. At breakfast this morning you ate the oatmeal I made, but didn't seem to notice my gesticulating. I know it's unlikely you'll see this, but if you do and something clicks, get back to me. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: my apt <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T20:59:34-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/759387513.html We live together text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/758927385.html Will be out on front porch at 1:00pm today. Do not come any earlier, they will not be there. <br> Please limit one per person. <br> Do not knock or try to ring the doorbell in hopes of getting an edge on anyone else. NO ONE WILL ANSWER. <br> I am very busy today so I will only be able to repost how many are left every 45 minutes. Please be respectful and do not make a mess. Remember, only one per person please. <br> Also, I will not promise one of them to ANYONE! SO DONT ASK. (Thank the "promising no-shows") for spoiling it for others) <br> I will take them off the porch at 7:00 pm SHARP. Do not try to come later then that. They will NOT be there any more. So don't even try! <br> <br> <br> <br> P.S. The Stick laying next to the sponges on the porch is not for the taking. It is our families marshmallow roasting stick. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T13:02:18-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/758927385.html Sponges (as promised) text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rac/758895089.html Looking for a more out of the box way to excersize. Be the coolest guy on your street cutting the lawn with this bad boy. you can save gas and get those rock hard abs you always wanted. This bike will cut your grass to emaculate conditions. It comes stock with this excentric two tone seat. The rust on the mower gives it an antique look that will have the cat lady next door going wild for your loins. For Ten extra dollars i can throw in a basket and headlight. Is your kid bouncing off the walls, ile even throw in some training wheels so you can put that bastard to work. This model is a three speed so you can really tear it up. Do your neighbor kids have an annoying bike ramp in the streets all the time. well snag that sucker and set it up infront of your trees, this bad mother will easily catch 6-7 feet of air allowing you to trim those troubling branches, as well as demolishing the ramp into oblivion so those damn kids wont be gathering infront of your house to practice for the x games. Comes with your choice of 12/40 oz beer holder that doubles as an ash tray. <br><br> <img src="758895089.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: kenosha <li>it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T14:40:58-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rac/758895089.html Unicycle Lawnmower text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/758634295.html <br> Girls Piss Me Off ! ! ! <br> Girls Piss Me Off.. "can you tell im single"? ? ? <br> <br> I swear that if I wasn't sexually attracted to girls that I'd be gay. At least <br> guys make sense most the time. <br> <br> First off, girls just talk way too much. When you're with your other <br> girlfriends, go ahead and talk about whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. <br> But why exactly do you think that I care about the kind of day that your sisters <br> co-workers dog had? Your sister is nice enough, but I don't know her co-worker <br> and I certainly don't know her dog. So why the fuck are you telling me this <br> story? I don't care! If you have something worth talking about, then I can enjoy <br> engaging you in a meaningful conversation. But before you start talking to me <br> about some of the insane frivolous shit that you talk to your girlfriends about, <br> first ask yourself "Does this have a point?". Because if it doesn't I'm just <br> going to smile, and nod, and zone out and you'll get mad because I'm not <br> listening to your retarded shit! <br> <br> Stop over complicating everything. There isn't an ulterior motive or hidden <br> meaning in every other sentance. Unless, I suppose, it's coming out of the mouth <br> of another woman. Because you ladies never can seem to say what you actually <br> mean. You have this weird secret code that you love to try and crack and expect <br> us guys to be able to get in on your stupid game. Guys aren't like that. Rarely <br> rarely RARELY will you ever have to figure out what a guy is actually saying. We <br> say what we mean. Girls have such a skewed sense of logic that this simple <br> concept is often lost on them. When you go searching for some deeper meaning <br> that isn't there, you're just committing to an act of futility. In the end you <br> wind up making up some bullshit and believing that it must be true and acting on <br> that false reality and making a mess of something for no apparent reason other <br> than the fact that you're in-fucking-sane. <br> <br> Stop getting upset at guys for trying to help solve your problems. That's what <br> guys do. You present us with a problem, we're going to try and fix it. It's in <br> our fucking nature. I know it's in your nature to want to talk about everything, <br> but if you're going to bring up your problems to a guy, expect that he's going <br> to try and do something about it or give you advice. Women always bitch that <br> guys don't listen. It's not that we don't listen, we just don't understand why <br> you're bringing up your problems if you don't want us to do something about it. <br> We're not as empathetic as your girlfriends, so if you want empathy, go to them. <br> Likewise, if guys have a problem, they'll probably only bring it up if they need <br> help or advice. Many women will bitch that guys don't talk enough. It's not that <br> guys don't talk, it's just that your empathy doesn't help solve our problems <br> when we do talk. <br> <br> One of the most insanely frustrating things about women is the constant <br> reassurance. No, you're not fat. If you were fat you wouldn't be able to fit <br> into that size 2 dress. And yes, you look good. Guys wouldn't be giving you free <br> shit if you were ugly. (There's an ulterior fucking motive for you. Hint: <br> They're not giving you free stuff just to be sweet.) It's so frustrating having <br> to constantly answer those questions, only to not be believed. It's like trying <br> to convince someone that the sky is blue. You're not blind, you're not even <br> color blind. You can see that the sky is blue. Yet you continue to ask what <br> color the sky is. I tell you it's blue. I know that you know what color blue is. <br> And even though I've told you that the sky is blue about fifty-million times, <br> you still have to ask because...I don't know...maybe it's not blue today. The <br> sky is fucking blue goddammit! You're not fucking fat! You're not fucking ugly! <br> You know it, I know it, everyone fucking knows it! <br> <br> And fuck all you ultra-hot girls that bitch about the most retarded things. <br> Yeah, all men are fucking pigs because they stare at your boobs. I'm sure it has <br> nothing to do with the fact that you're wearing a skin tight low cut shirt that <br> has 'Bebe' printed across your boobs... one 'Be' per boob. It's totally unfair <br> that you have to put up with guys staring at you all the time just because you <br> like to look sexy. And boo hoo, it's so hard for you to meet a nice guy. Well <br> actually it isn't, because the shoulder your crying on belongs to a nice guy. <br> He's the one that puts up with all your stupid shit. And yet you some how end up <br> with all the assholes. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that <br> you're holding out for a six foot tall alpha-male fire fighter with a trust <br> fund. <br> <br> And finally, yay for you. You sold a freezer to some eskimos. Congratulations on <br> being the hot sales rep. We're all very proud of you for being able to have a <br> nice ass while the rest of us actually have to work for a living. And we're all <br> so excited to see your new diamond jewelry. Your ability to date another rich <br> fucktard that will shower you with expensive bobbles is commendable. And I'll be <br> so surprised and sorry for you when he dumps you for the next hot girl. Because <br> I really thought that materialistic trophy bagger was in love with you. But I'm <br> happy to hear that you wrecked your fifth car while multi-tasking between your <br> cell phone and doing your make up in the mirror. Your dedication to enforcing <br> the stereotype of women drivers is nothing short of awe inspiring. And you're <br> right, I was being a shallow douchebag when I commented on the hotness of Eva <br> Longoria. So lets go see that movie where Johnny Depp makes out with Orlando <br> Bloom on Brad Pitts abs. I know you've been dying to see that one. <br> <br> Girls...you piss me the fuck off. You do stupid shit and manage to get away with <br> it. You can be the most annoying idiots in the world. Your sense of logic and <br> common sense seems to be a rare gift rather than a common trait. And yet I'm <br> uncontrollably attracted to you. And that's quite possibly the most frustrating <br> thing of all. <br> --YES IM STILL SINGLE <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T08:50:05-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/758634295.html Girls Piss Me Off ! ! ! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/757746196.html I have a near-mint copy of the Bible, signed by the Big J.C. himself. According to Amazon, this is one of the better selling books of all time. I'm guessing the Prince of Peace would be happy to hear that. <br> <br> This book was entrusted to me by the Knights of Templar, they borrowed it from Our Savior sometime between 28 and 32 AD and forgot to give it back. It was one of those things where they said they'd return it in a week, but then they didn't get around to reading it right away. And you know how you always feel bad returning a book you haven't read, especially when the lender asks you what you thought of it. So in trying to avoid an awkward moment with the Alpha and Omega, they hung onto it until they had more time. Well that time turned into about 2000 years, and it got mixed in with some other books and made it into a yard sale box. <br> <br> At first, the King of Kings' signature wasn't worth much, but after Our Redeemer died on the cross for your sins, apparently the value skyrocketed and then rose more gradually over the next 2000 years as more people learned of the Good Shepherd's story. <br> <br> Why am I selling it? I could say that I'm interested in sharing the Word of God with someone else - become a "Fisher of Men" so to speak. But the truth is I just bought an Xbox 360 and don't have room on the bookshelf for both. I'll either use the money to fight world hunger, or buy that Rock Band game I've been hankering for. <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-16T14:27:03-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/757746196.html Autographed copy of the Bible - $1,000,000,000 OBO text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/htf/755891987.html Ass cleaning tips <br> <br> <br> I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips: <br> <br> Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop. <br> <br> Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement. <br> <br> Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off. <br> <br> Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it! <br> <br> Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1. <br> <br> ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive shit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza. <br> <br> That is all for now party people, hope this hass been insightful. I would love some feedback from possible success stories. <br> <br> Please read some of them now. <br> <br> " I would like to thank you for your ass cleaning tips, it has changed my life. My g/f is giving me head all day and night" <br> <br> "Wow, my ass has never been cleaner. I feel more confident and got my dream job" <br> <br> "I love to feed the fish, thanks Rick...my ass used to be filled with pimples and anal grease but now my ass is as smooth as a babies bottom, I feel like a kid again, thanks" <br> <br> " I used to mask my ass smell with cologne and other junk, I have tried so many other techniques but yours is by far the best. I am now engaged to a playboy model" <br> <br> Siskel & Roeper give it "Two middle fingers up" <br> <br> P.S. I AM OFFERING FREE SERVICE TO LADIES WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HEAD JUST TO SEE HOW A PROFESSIONAL COLON CLEANSING SHOULD BE LIKE <br> <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: anal <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-15T11:51:04-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/htf/755891987.html ass cleaning tips text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/755827626.html Dear Motorists; <br> <br> I know, my jiggly keister plugging along at 11 measley miles an hour down a busy road isn't precisely what you want to deal with on your morning commute. I assure you, it's not what I want either. If there was another route, you wouldn't need to deal with me, and I would not need to be nervous about you. In my own defense, please consider; <br> <br> *I can't afford gas. It's what, dangerously close to a certain amusing number of cents per gallon? I paid $4.29 for the cheap stuff this weekend, but that was elsewhere in the state where they somehow get away with more taxes or profit. <br> <br> *Before you ask me to get a job to fix the previous item-- I already have one. It's even full time. Yet, I can only afford to feed two of the following: The Cat, Me, and the Car. The car, obstensibly, loses due to the fact that, a) a cat is unimaginably obnoxious when hungry and b) so am I. The car however, does not become obnoxious when not fed three times a day. It just declines to run. <br> <br> *I know I am wearing a backpack. This is not counterindicative of an office job. I work at a real desk, in fact, a kind of big desk, with pictures of my family on the corner. I even have a WINDOW office. I still cannot afford gas. My job is not the problem. The expenses of life are the problem. And b y the expenses of life, I do not mean drugs or alcohol. I mean food. <br> <br> *I AM attempting to follow traffic laws to the best of my abillity as is required by law, these guarentee that every morning you will have at least a few opputunities to scare the daylights out of me. I don't mind if you do, everyone needs a thrill to wake them up, but please, don't actually hit the bike, or god forbid, me. I can't afford gas, like I was saying, so I certainly can't afford big medical bills. You happen to be driving which means most likely you can't afford big medical bills either. Or the jump in your insurance premium. <br> <br> *I use hand-signals. It's actually fairly easy to figure out where I'm going and do a quick lane change and avoid getting stuck anywhere near me. Also, my route is fixed, I try very hard to not deviate from it timewise either. (I always try to go when it is least congested). <br> <br> * Have you noticed that the jiggly keister is getting smaller? This is an awesome side effect of using a people-powered machine to drag off to work in the morning. I highly recomend it for cellulite as well. <br> <br> Again, I know this is not perfect. But then, neither is commuting in a car or hopping the bus (whole 'nother post for that gig), so let's make nice out on Argonne. <br> <br> Sincerely, <br> <br> The Bicyclist <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Argonne at Montgomery <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-15T08:08:04-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/755827626.html Your Friendly Argonne Bicyclist text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/755426362.html OK, so I was kind of asking for it. <br> <br> I got all tarted up for the wedding and was dancing with all the guys to Journey and Ton Loc and Timbaland. I'm-about-to-strip-and-i'm-well-equipped etc. God I love weddings. I probably had a few too many and when that overzealous strapping groomsman who just graduated college decided we were going to twirl only he lifted the wrong arm and clotheslined me in the face and I staggered backward and rolled my ankle. Wearing four inch strappy stilettos which made me about 6'2. And that much farther to fall. Were you watching me then? <br> <br> Yeah I was a trooper. Ankle was crying out in pain but all I cared about was my next vodka tonic and whether I had enough time to get it before Sex Bomb started playing. I can tell by your behavior last night you like Tom Jones and Mousse T just as much as I do. <br> <br> At some point later in the night here I am walking into the local taco joint wearing no shoes. Politely took them off and left them at the door. It was raining outside and thankfully the types of dresses I wear to weddings can endure some serious abuse. I hopped up on the counter, flashed my most engaging smile and demanded two beef softshell badboys and some ice for my swelling ankle. Was it there that I caught your eye, confident and defiant as I sucked the cheese out of my jalepeno poppers as the nice guys working there prepared an ice pack and listened to my story about how I had hurt my ankle coming to the aid of an elderly woman when some hooligan tried to steal her purse? I'll have you know he went down like a ton of bricks when I pistol whipped him, but while kicking him in the head for good measure I seem to have hurt my ankle. Tough world out there. No country for old men, or good samaritans in slinky black dresses and high heels. I'll bet you were impressed when they gave me my tacos for free. <br> <br> Maybe it was in the parking lot that you decided to come home with me. I couldn't really tell. When I woke up the next morning there was a trail of my clothes and shoes and other various personal belongings. Apparently I had tipped the bar staff handsomely, and for that they had rewarded me with a to-go cup. The bed showed signs of struggle. Reaching for my glass to see if it's empty and surprised at the searing pain radiating not from my ankle, nor my rump, nor my head, nor any orifice, but the back of my knee? <br> <br> Imagine my horror when I flung back the colors and saw the damage that you had inflicted in my unconscious state. You sank your fangs into that cute little dimple behind my knee (now there's a fetish I haven't heard of), leaving a deep round wound and enough venom to swell my leg up to twice its unbitten size. Between the numbness and the stiffness I had to stagger around my house like a deranged pirate with a pegleg trying to figure out whether you were still there or had fled stealthily into the night. But you were long gone. <br> <br> So please, at least tell me your name or what you look like, and possibly confirm your genus? I've heard that some of you are so nasty your conquests require medical attention or risk serious infection. At the very least I'm gonna need to give a description to the doctor tomorrow morning, and the story I've just told is not going to cut it. <br> <br> PS. Just so you know, you are not the first to leave me with bite marks in odd places in the morning. Just the first who was rude enough not to give me a chance to reciprocate. <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-14T23:38:36-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/755426362.html You bit my leg while I was passed out and I never got to ask your name - w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html GORGEOUS 10 x 14 BEDROOM, DRENCHED WITH LOTS OF AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT, GENEROUS CLOSET SPACE, CLEAN BATHROOM, NICE COMMON SPACE AND STORAGE. W/D IN BASEMENT (COIN-OP ALTHOUGH LANDLORD IS IN PROCESS OF MAKING IT FREE!) AND ELEC/COOKING GAS/HI-SPEED INTERNET/TRASH PICK-UP INCLUDED IN RENT. STREET PARKING. CLOSE TO HOSPITALS AND SOME SHOPPING. <br> <br> LIVE WITH TWO QUIET ROOMMATES BOTH STUDENTS (ONE INTERNATIONAL) <br> NO DRINKING/DRUGS, CALM LIVING ENVIRONMENT FOR RIGHT INDIVIDUAL <br> WITH REGULAR HOURS. <br> <br> THERE IS ONE SMALL CATCH THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM AT ALL WITH PREVIOUS TENANTS. BEDROOM MUST BE SHARED WITH APPROX. 700 LB. ADULT MALE SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME. HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE. <br> <br> BIG KITCHEN WITH BREAKFAST AREA. BEDROOM WINDOWS FACE REAR COURTYARD NO TRAFFIC NOISE! SOMEWHAT LOW CEILINGS BUT GUT RENOVATED WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND ORIGINAL MOLDINGS. <br> NOT RAILROAD! SEPARATE ROOMS WITH TWO ENTRANCES. SECOND FLOOR WALK-UP. <br> <br> YEAR LEASE REQUIRED. <br> FIRST AND LAST PLUS SECURITY. TOTAL OF $1155 MOVE-IN COST. <br> THIS WILL NOT LAST. NO BROKERS PLEASE. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: BUSHWICK <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-11T02:53:53-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you. I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening. Bonus points if you: <br> <br> -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong <br> -make "ironic" racist jokes <br> -are a spoiled-ass mama's boy <br> -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) <br> -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) <br> -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place <br> -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" <br> <br> Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you. I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old. Your pic gets mine!!! <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-10T12:20:19-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Doormat seeks muddy boots text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html maybe it was the scorching hot weather in the mission today, or the 2 huge canvas bags and one plastic full of <br> perishing groceries that i was lugging down folsom st with the sound of jack hammers ruthlessly invading the only spare sensory space that i had left in my being, or the gross men making comments and staring me down like a bunch of motherf*&#king animals or maybe it was the fact that the skirt rides up when i am walking fast and not fixing it every 15 steps because i don't have the hips to keep it in place, i never have and never will, only reminding me of the awkward preteen years in middle school, or maybe it was the fact that it has no back pockets and meager front pockets that slowly edge any contents as i walk flinging my grocery list pen on the ground for me to have to bend over to get with a crap load of swinging bags of groceries or maybe i was just tired of all the b.s. when i made the decision, but regardless of the circumstances surrounding my choice to end my relationship with my Gap, size 1,basic jean mini skirt, it is truly over and UP FOR GRABS to the first taker. <br><br> <img src="748763960.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T14:50:07-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/748385561.html Hello all! <br> <br> Straight from Beatles lore, I am in possession of Maxwell's silver hammer. This may or may not be THE Maxwell's hammer, but my nephew (used to be neice, but we won't get into that here) Maxwell has decided he no longer wants to place his "delicate fingers in harm's way" and is now, along with being absolutely worthless, giving up his hammer. <br> <br> The hammer is a 16 oz. framing hammer, great shape, used only by soft and moisturized hands (God knows). Come get it. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Sacramento <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T10:23:06-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/748385561.html Maxwell's silver hammer text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html 1st edition of The Republic signed by its author. There is of course a reasonable amount of wear and tear, (light highlighting and underlining, dog-eared pages, back cover missing, etc.), but it is in overall good condition considering its age. <br> <br> First come first serve <br><br><ul> <li> Location: chicago loop <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T11:00:00-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/748263604.html Autographed Copy of Plato's Republic text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/746768719.html I need female at least 18 and no more than 50 years old to spend the day with this summer. I prefer for them to live near Penn Square Mall. If not, then at least somewhere I can ride the city bus to meet them. I also prefer for them to be a city bus rider. One other thing: ABSOLUTELY NO MALES, GUYS, NOR BOYS!!!!!!!!! If you are a male, then I will not answer your reply. I hope this does not creep or offend anybody. Thank you. <br><br> <img src="746768719.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: OKC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-08T09:12:59-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/okc/746768719.html need a female companion 4 anything text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/746570454.html Ok, so people often ask, where are the good kind people anymore? <br> <br> Driving on Mt.Rose Hwy, and serving our communties is where! So I'm coming home to Reno on my motorcycle Saturday Evening after a short ride up to the top and back down cuz it was too smokey up there, somewhere around 8pm I think? Anyways... Near the bottom, I hit some oil, gravel, not sure what... but even as an experienced rider for some 30+ years, made my bike wobble so bad, I eventually lost control after doing everything I could try to do to keep it up. From what I hear, might have even hit a guard rail at some point during the crash, no memory so not sure, all I do know is next thing I'm on the pavement in a ton of pain. Rolling in the road I think... <br> <br> Stranger #1 - <br> Then, there was a hand... holding mine, comforting me thru my gloves... Kept hearing a voice that I think was female telling me "everything was gonna be ok" and "help is on the way". Couldn't really open my eyes much, that's why I'm not sure if it was male or female, but it didn't really matter at that point, ya know? I just know 'till the day I die, I will forever remember how comforting it felt to know that "if" I was gonna die then, someone was gonna be holding my hand while it happened and I would not die alone on some road tasting asphalt. <br> <br> You have no idea what that meant to me, still does, and always will. You probably also have no idea how much gratitude I would like to express to you for the comfort you gave me, a complete stranger, when I really, REALLY needed it. I just remember your hand, rubbing mine and your soft, kind, compassionate words letting me know, someone cared. You didn't just drive by, you took time out of your Holiday weekend to help me - some fat ass biker guy that some here on CL wish we would all crash and die. <br> <br> Stranger #2 <br> No clue who this was either, but someone called police/ambulance, etc. super quick and there they were, hot on the spot within minutes. (felt like minutes to me anyways, damn quick!), can't thank you enough and damn glad ya had signal...hahaha! <br> <br> Stranger #3 <br> Again, same as the others, no idea who you were, but I heard someone else say something I think about removing my helmet. In my mind I was thinking please, please don't do that, but I couldn't say it. But you could and did, you spoke up and advised against it. Damn I am glad there are people like you who know better and again, my sincere appreciation and grattitude to you as well. <br> <br> Strangers #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, etc.. <br> To all the police firemen/women, ambulance drivers, person in the back of the ambulance.. to all of you emergency responder type people who showed up who did whatever it was you had been trained to do, and loaded me on some kind of back board or something I think, and then put my big ol' self in the ambulance and got me to Renown so quickly - my most humble thanks and appreciation as well. I know you were "just doing your jobs", but damn you do them well! You will NEVER hear me bitch about your pay raises or what it costs for the absolute QUALITY services you provide our community! I do know of one policeman or hwy patrolmen who I think arranged to have my bike towed and visited me in the ER letting me know it's condition and where it had been towed to, cuz he put his badge number on my insurance paper, as I get better in the next few days I would like to find you and thank you in person since I have a clue on maybe how to find you from the badge #. You also gathered my personal belongings I had on the bike that would have been stolen for sure. (cam corder, etc..) Yes, I know, small things to worry about in that moment, but you made sure I didn't have to, again, thank you for going out of your way for my needs. <br> <br> To all the Dr.s, Nurses, and whoever else was working in that ER room, my eternal thanks and grattitude as well. Man I was hurting, them ribs are a bitch when smashed, but you folks all again, did what you were trained to do in the finest proffesional manner (even on the embarssing stuff) and I just knew from all your demeanors, I was gonna be ok. <br> <br> I am sure there are some typos and mis-spellings in this post, forgive me as i am on some pretty strong pills for pain, but i just got to my computer and wanted to get these thank yous out as soon as possible. All of you people just really have no clue what your kindness and compassion meant, and means to me even now.I would like to let you all know, that from your kindess, skills and so on... I'm going to be ok. Could have been a lot worse, but thanks to good people like you, a damn fine helmet and a little luck, both I and the bike are fixable. <br> <br> If there is any chance of any of you "unknowns" letting me know who you are, I would greatly like to thank you all in person, if that's not your style, I respect that and just know you meant alot to one hurting, scared guy, yeah... I was scared I'll admitt to it no problem! <br> <br> Last and not forgotten in any way, once I was admitted to the 3rd floor, all the Nurses, CNA's, Orderlies, people waking me up every few hours to check my vitals and stuff, I also sincerely thank you, but since I know how to re-find you all, i will be seeing you again in person to thank you properly, especially Melissa, a nurse or CNA not sure, but one awesome lady I did not have enough time to thank properly today as I left! I really wish I could have stayed and healed longer as today really ended up hurting, but you know why I had to leave. You friggin ROCK! <br> <br> Sincerely, <br> Tim H. <br> <br> <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Bottom of Mt. Rose Hwy <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T22:59:10-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rno/746570454.html Please Don't Flag This, I Really Need To Thank These Strangers text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/746487587.html Every week I check this damn thing to see if anyone in this city of millions has missed me. What gives? <br> I ride the train no less than twice a day, five or more days a week. I'm pressed against some of you in the commute to/from work. Haven't any of you women missed me? <br> <br> I go to the park. I shop at places. I walk around. I wear shoes. I have ear phones. I drink stuff. Where's my missed connection? Start missing me already, goddamnit. I am very easy to miss. <br> <br> Monday: Go to work after the weekend. Try not to sweat in the sweltering humidity of the subway. No one misses a sweater. Listen to music to drown out the reality of being stuck in the train with a million strangers; avoid eye contact at all cost. Bullshit about the weekend with the coworkers until quitting time. Get caught up on CL. <br> <br> Tuesday: Go to work. Eat at one of same four places around work. Walk around a little during lunch, hoping to bump into someone new. Go home and contact friends to make plans for the weekend. Check CL. <br> <br> Wednesday: Go to work. Getting adventurous now and spend most of lunch break wandering around trying to find someplace new to eat. Realize nothing of interest has been built since I checked last week. End up eating at one of four usual places. Try taking a different route home. This time try to make eye contact with as many strangers as I can on train/bus/ferry/foot. <br> <br> Thursday: Go to work. Spend most of lunch hour running errands, returning library material, getting money from the bank, and calling up friends to reconfirm plans. Go shopping after work. Walk up and down each aisle to make doubly sure everyone has had a chance to miss me. Get home and get frustrated that still no one has posted with my description. <br> <br> Friday: Go to work. Spend all day waiting for work to end. Take smoking break. Look around for smokers to miss. Get out of work. Forget all about CL. Find friends and go eating/drinking/event attending. See more strangers in one night than rest of week combined. Stumble home at ungodly hour. <br> <br> Saturday: Wake up at some point. Roll over to the park. Maybe check out a museum. Try to look deep and lost in thought. Feel envious of all the people missing connections right before my eyes. Think about posting when I get home. Get home and forget or become crushed by laziness or the ennui of it all. Look up ennui in dictionary. <br> <br> Sunday: Fuck it. I'm sleeping in. I'm doing laundry. I'm ordering take-out. I'm not leaving the damn house. You've had your chances all week. I'm taking a me day. I'm reading a book. And by reading, I mean surfing the internet; whereas by book, I mean porn. Knock myself out with the usual roofie-colada, wine + sleeping pill, so I can wake up in the morning and pack myself into an overcrowded train to get to work and check CL. <br> <br> <br> Fucking miss me already. I can't do this forever. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: the train <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-08T00:00:19-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/746487587.html MISS ME! Goddamnit!! - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html Vaginas are pretty. Ok, I don’t actually think that’s true. Its not any sort of inner self loathing, I just don’t find all the wrinkly folds and the odd array of skin tones very awe inspiring. Perhaps it’s that my aesthetics meter just isn’t calibrated properly. I also fail to see splendor when I look at babies. Perhaps you just need to be more familiar with an object to truly appreciate its subtleties and grace. For example it always seems to be mothers spouting on about the gorgeousness of babies and porn stars talking about beautiful beavers. <br> <br> All this being said I had an epiphany recently. A vagina has enough going for it that it’s worth the extra effort to stop that unruly mop from hanging in its eyes. My old view which was, “why not let the poor thing live out its homely life in peace”, has been changed to “my muff is like Allison from The Breakfast Club”. You might remember Allison, she was the depressed, unsightly gal with crazy hair that covered most of her face. But, at the end she lets Molly Ringwald’s character do her hair and you realize she’s actually quite lovely. Where is Molly Ringwald when you need her? <br> <br> What would cause this type of 180 you ask, online video porn of course. I was just introduced to the wonders of YouTube-like porn sites by my husband who swears he only hears about such things from his vulgar co-workers. Being a modern sort of couple we like to use technology to our advantage whenever possible – which includes huddling around a laptop in bed watching raunchy homemade video porn vignettes. After some sheepish discussion on what keyword searches we should try (btw, Abercombie & Fitch model seducing average looking woman in a Tahitian hotel bar before taking her out to his yacht to have hot, sweaty, above deck sex doesn’t turn up any results, so don’t bother), we hit upon “Eating Pussy Lesson”. I was thinking we would get something along the lines of “the clit is not a myth” and “yes you do actually need to put your mouth on it to be successful”, but what I got was much, much better. I mature blond woman – still a looker but someone you genuinely felt you could take anatomical advice from – gave the lesson on a young buxom blond in a bustier. Our teacher furthered both the scientific and fetishistic quotient by wearing black rubber gloves. I won’t get into the details except to say that I learned a great deal from this woman and by the end felt that the vagina was a brilliant piece of equipment that should receive at least as much attention as a car does; a regular wash & wax and the occasional splurge on the deluxe wheel rim package with papaya scent. <br> <br> But let’s be realistic, rarely do epiphanies happen in a vacuum. There was a bit of a lead up to this. As I stated earlier I felt that my lower coif needed little attention and that this was a reasonable and widespread course of action. And of course I was right. The average American woman does choose to let nature take its course down below. However, as my recent anecdotal and completely unscientific research clearly indicates – the average single American woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who lives in an urban area (particularly in Southern California), waxes the shit out of her va-jay jay. Yes, that dreaded South American spa treatment, and the closest most of us will ever get to a lesbian sex act… the Brazilian wax job. <br> <br> I was in many ways shocked to learn that most of my friends partake. I thought there were few reasons girls like us might obtain a Brazilian. Among them might be an upcoming stint in Amateur Girls Take Hot Cock 7, or a date with Ron Jeremy. These otherwise normal women in my life were shelling out $70 a pop to let a small asian woman take them in a back room and rip out their anal hair. Yikes. One of my friends is actually lasering her beave completely bald. Double yikes. This last conversation was had over a round of beers at a local pub and I was the only one in the group who had to scoop her chin up off the table. The rest of the ladies felt this was not only a wise aesthetic choice, but smart from an economic point of view also. Pay several hundred dollars now but never have to pay for a wax job again, let alone a razor. Don’t be surprised if you see “laser yourself bald” as hot new tip for financially savvy females in Suze Orman’s next book. <br> <br> After my informal education I was certainly more aware that bush hair removal on a massive scale was far more common than I ever thought. Regular gals are out there with landing strips or nothing at all and I suppose regular guys have come to expect it. To think my poor husband had to work around all that fluff for years. <br> <br> But if you’re hoping for me to wrap this up with a Brazilian salon recommendation, you’re out of luck. I’m going to have to count myself as a moderate on this issue. I’ll go for an advanced bikini wax (a la landing strip), and I’ll even keep it nice and trim with a pair of safety scissors. But to whatever confused stray hairs made a right when they should have made a left and ended up doomed to a life next to my butt hole, I say live and let live. <br> <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T20:41:09-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/746470334.html My Pubic Hair Epiphany text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/745957971.html Never got around to fixing it, all the buttons are stuck so it doesn't go in reverse only forward at normal speed <br> <br> come pick it up whenever <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Norwalk <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T16:33:33-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/745957971.html Free Broken Time Machine text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/744997359.html As seen on TV! <br> <br> I'm a 20 yearold GA Tech student who has never kissed. I have been going out with a girl